I grew up in a poor family. Sometimes in order to make ends meet, my parents had to borrow from others. Money, car and even rice. So you see, there were sometimes the lenders were reluctant to lend money or things to my parents, but they themselves owed to my mum or dad for example before my mum was married she took care of some people and helped her old folks in the term of money and energy to raise the lenders. So these lenders, despite the internal reluctant, they lent my parents money or things, but with the price, price that my mum and dad didnt know and we as their children didnt have any gut to tell them, afraid that it might break their hearts. The price was, the lender can freely talked about my parents behind their back but in front of, and were intended to be heard by us, their children.
I remember there was one time someone wanted to install landline telephone to her house and was suggested that my mum might be able to help as my mum worked with telekom. This person said, she doesnt want to let my mum involve in her life because my mum might use it as a reason to get attached and borrow money.
There was once when my mum called someone, and I was right in front of her (the call receiver). This person, looked at her phone and said ” Ini takde lain. Mesti nak pinjam duit”.
When I was about 7-8 years old, my parents didnt have car. Sometimes they wanted to bring us out, for example to see Merdeka Day celebration. They rang few people, everybody said they wanted to use their car, but later I checked, they didnt really use their car that night. But this matter didnt really devastated me as I know some people might find borrowing car is just too extreme.
You see, things like this traumatised me. I grow up with in this kinda painful and depressive experience and can not help but to make sure it never happen to me (anymore) and my children. I remember crying in the bathroom after overhearing this hearbreaking conversation by people that I believe, are loved and believed wholeheartedly by my mum. I remember how sad my sisters were when they told me about the conversation they overheard about my mum and dad. Time fades away, scar been dried out, but the wound never really healed. I couldnt imagine letting my children being treated that way. I dont really know what they might feel, are they gonna cry like I did or they will just let it go, but I dont want and I dont need to know.
When I grow up and have my own family, sometimes my husband suggests us to borrow things from others. He is naive like that. It’s hard for him to throw any suspicious to anybody. Once when we planned to go for a holiday, I accidentally broke my camera. My husband suggested that we borrow camera from others, but I didnt really find the idea necessary. I told him about my stand of this matter. For me, if we dont have it, act like we dont have it. Borrowing is big NO. ‘Tak ada buat cara tak ada’. And he said, “If you say so”. So we wound up using whatever we have to capture the holiday moment, and we still had a very nice family vacation, probably the best one Aqeef and Aminah ever had since we didnt really had many vacation before.
When we dont have car, I strictly said to my husband, NO to take any ride from anybody unless we pay for it. I find it easier to ride on bus, or catch the train rather than to be in someone else’s car. Even sometimes bus drivers are just too emotionless that become angry if the passengers ask to open the back door to put pushchair in, but it is easier without any personal attachment, because at the end of my ride, I can get off the bus and might or might not meet the bus drivers again. If I am about to see the people I took a ride with, I dont know how I suppose to react, it is just too awkward.
I am a stubborn little woman. It’s not easy for me to slipped my principles to satisfy others. Moreover when it comes to letting my children endure whatever hard and sad experience I faced in my childhood. The trauma is just too big, up until now I can barely see the face of people who backbited my parents without any streak of idea to kill them,or at least pour out few harsh word right to their faces. But I am muslim woman, who firmly believe that Allah has planned accordingly the best way to pay them. So let Him handles it.
I am glad that my children dont inherit the vengeful trait from me. They are soft and naive like my husband. Let mommy drown alone in this vendetta.