Isteri berdikari suami tidak hilang maruah diri

Suami saya, arwah abahnya meninggal dunia ketika dia berusia 5 tahun, waktu itu adik bongsunya cuma berusia beberapa hari. Kemudian mereka dibesarkan oleh seorang emak yang tabah dan hebat.

Kita seringkali disogok dengan cerita bahawa orang lelaki suka sekiranya wanita bergantung pada dia. Namun jika lelaki tersebut insaf dan sedar bahawa dunia ini pinjaman, dirinya pinjaman kepada isteri, isteri dan anak-anak pinjaman kepada dia, dia akan memberi ruang yang sepatutnya kepada isteri dan anak-anak untuk meningkatkan kualiti diri supaya dapat berdikari tanpa sedikitpun merasa bahawa keberdikarian mereka akan merendahkan egonya sebagai suami dan bapa. Kerana sudah termaktub adat meminjam, sampai masa akan diambil semula. Jika ditakdirkan tempoh pinjamannya tamat lebih awal, sekurang-kurangnya isteri dan anak-anaknya tahu apa yang perlu dilakukan demi kelangsungan hidup.

Kaum wanita pula, sentiasalah berazam untuk memperbaiki kualiti dan kemahiran diri, jika kurang menyerlah dalam pelajaran, mungkin boleh mencuba bidang masakan, jahitan, jualan dll. Memang suami tempat bergantung, tapi selitkan juga ruang untuk mempersiapkan diri menghadapi kemungkinan-kemungkinan tidak terduga. Senangkan hati suami dengan membuktikan bahawa kita boleh berdikari sekiranya dia diambil lebih awal. Tidaklah hatinya risau sehingga dia lupa tentang pinjaman nyawa yang Allah beri dan menganggap dirinya hak milik, penyara dan penanggung mutlak isteri dan anak-anaknya.

Jika suami sekadar menjalankan urusan menyara dan menyediakan kelengkapan keluarga sebagai tugasan wajib tanpa nilai ibadah, rumah tangga akan jadi kehidupan yang hambar. Keluar pagi balik petang yang diulang hari demi hari sampai mati. Para isteri jika bangun pagi cuma berazam untuk shopping besar-besaran duit suami segeralah muhasabah diri. Juga wanita bujang yang tergetnya cuma untuk mengahwini lelaki kaya supaya kelak boleh hidup senang goyang kaki, istighfarlah. Ini bermakna hidup sudah sedikit lari daripada tujuan asal yang Allah cipta.

Sentiasalah mulakan setiap hari baru yang Allah masih berikan nikmat hidup dengan pemikiran dan perbuatan yang menjangkau akhirat, bukan sekadar untuk hidup dunia semata-mata.

My kids and I

If I didn’t have you,
life would be blue
I’d be Doctor Who without the TARDIS
A candle without a wick,
a Watson without a Crick
I’d be one of my outfits without a kick-ey

I’d be cheese without the mac,
Steve Jobs without the Wozniak
I’d be solving exponential equations that use bases not found on your calculator, making it much harder to crack

I’d be an atom without a bomb,
a dot without the com
And I’d probably still live with my mom

Ever since I met you, you’ve turned my world around
You’ve supported all my dreams and all my hopes
You’re like Uranium-235 and I’m Uranium-238,
Almost inseparable isotopes

I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get
From the moment that I met you, my kids

If I didn’t have you,
life would be dreary
I’d be string theory without any string
I’d be binary code without a one,
A cathode ray tube without an electron gun

Ever since I met you,
you’ve turned my world around
You’re my best friends and my lovers
We’re like changing electric and magnetic fields you can’t have one, without the other

I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get
From the moment that I met you, my kids :)

Just because

Someone close to me asked, why this recently I become open to tell about my childhood life, why only now do people get to know how poor I was when I was younger.Well I guess the addition to my age is the answer. I am not embarrassed anymore to tell people how poor I was. Beside, my siblings are all grown up now, and we work, we can give money to our parents, if it’s not that much but still every month, one or two or three or all of us, give some money to our parents. My mum had already left telekom on 2007, she opted to the early retirement scheme. My dad will be retired this next September. From 30+ years of service in GLC and government sector, they have quite a satiate achievement. They bought a 3 rooms terrace house which later on 2011 was converted into a 5 rooms double storey house following a 4 months renovation. This is the house they raise all of us their 8 children. They managed to do 5 wedding ceremonies for their children, even once on 2011, they did 2 of the wedding in two consecutive months, for my first sister and second sister. Now I have another two sisters (twin) and a younger brother that are not yet married. My mum and dad are one happy couple, they love each other and all the difficulties they endured to raised their children, all the hardship, the embarrassment, the necessity to borrow money and things from others when we were small just make their love grow stronger.

There actually so many sad stories I had when I was a kid but I think these all for now. Maybe in certain future I will tell, but you sure don’t want to read them bulkily don’t you?

Abang forced me to buy new bag as my PUMA backpack has worn out. I took about 3 weeks to decide and finally gathered some strength to buy a handbag online. Abang suggested that I buy a branded one,as it will last longer but then when he found out that I bought a £6 handbag online he just able to shake his head. I am a bit tight about that. If I am about to buy something expensive for myself I spend some times battling with my own thoughts,thinking about how many things I can buy for my children with that much money and ended up buying things for my children and forgetting about my intention to buy anything for me. You know, just because….

Got to go Aminah kind of climbing on me. And now she’s literally sitting on my stomach. Bye

Mencari cinta

Bertemu cinta teragung
Di dalam sujudku asyik menyanjung
Umpama pengembara di malam gelita
Kandil cintanya menerangi jiwa

Sekian lama terbiar
Dalam belantara hidup nan liar
Di bukit ku tersepit di lembah terhina
Hidup yang perit mengajarku mencari cinta

Oh, ku sangka teguh
Kiranya masih rapuh
Kusangka mudah namun amat payah
Kusedar semua pasti ada akhirnya
Moga akhirku diselimut cinta
Cinta agung-Nya

Sekian lama diri terlalai
Kehidupan terabai
Akhirnya aku temui kedamaian abadi

Of borrowing and its sad consequences

I grew up in a poor family. Sometimes in order to make ends meet, my parents had to borrow from others. Money, car and even rice. So you see, there were sometimes the lenders were reluctant to lend money or things to my parents, but they themselves owed to my mum or dad for example before my mum was married she took care of some people and helped her old folks in the term of money and energy to raise the lenders. So these lenders, despite the internal reluctant, they lent my parents money or things, but with the price, price that my mum and dad didnt know and we as their children didnt have any gut to tell them, afraid that it might break their hearts. The price was, the lender can freely talked about my parents behind their back but in front of, and were intended to be heard by us, their children.

I remember there was one time someone wanted to install landline telephone to her house and was suggested that my mum might be able to help as my mum worked with telekom. This person said, she doesnt want to let my mum involve in her life because my mum might use it as a reason to get attached and borrow money.

There was once when my mum called someone, and I was right in front of her (the call receiver). This person, looked at her phone and said ” Ini takde lain. Mesti nak pinjam duit”.

When I was about 7-8 years old, my parents didnt have car. Sometimes they wanted to bring us out, for example to see Merdeka Day celebration. They rang few people, everybody said they wanted to use their car, but later I checked, they didnt really use their car that night. But this matter didnt really devastated me as I know some people might find borrowing car is just too extreme.

You see, things like this traumatised me. I grow up with in this kinda painful and depressive experience and can not help but to make sure it never happen to me (anymore) and my children. I remember crying in the bathroom after overhearing this hearbreaking conversation by people that I believe, are loved and believed wholeheartedly by my mum. I remember how sad my sisters were when they told me about the conversation they overheard about my mum and dad. Time fades away, scar been dried out, but the wound never really healed. I couldnt imagine letting my children being treated that way. I dont really know what they might feel, are they gonna cry like I did or they will just let it go, but I dont want and I dont need to know.

When I grow up and have my own family, sometimes my husband suggests us to borrow things from others. He is naive like that. It’s hard for him to throw any suspicious to anybody. Once when we planned to go for a holiday, I accidentally broke my camera. My husband suggested that we borrow camera from others, but I didnt really find the idea necessary. I told him about my stand of this matter. For me, if we dont have it, act like we dont have it. Borrowing is big NO. ‘Tak ada buat cara tak ada’. And he said, “If you say so”. So we wound up using whatever we have to capture the holiday moment, and we still had a very nice family vacation, probably the best one Aqeef and Aminah ever had since we didnt really had many vacation before.

When we dont have car, I strictly said to my husband, NO to take any ride from anybody unless we pay for it. I find it easier to ride on bus, or catch the train rather than to be in someone else’s car. Even sometimes bus drivers are just too emotionless that become angry if the passengers ask to open the back door to put pushchair in, but it is easier without any personal attachment, because at the end of my ride, I can get off the bus and might or might not meet the bus drivers again. If I am about to see the people I took a ride with, I dont know how I suppose to react, it is just too awkward.

I am a stubborn little woman. It’s not easy for me to slipped my principles to satisfy others. Moreover when it comes to letting my children endure whatever hard and sad experience I faced in my childhood. The trauma is just too big, up until now I can barely see the face of people who backbited my parents without any streak of idea to kill them,or at least pour out few harsh word right to their faces. But I am muslim woman, who firmly believe that Allah has planned accordingly the best way to pay them. So let Him handles it.

I am glad that my children dont inherit the vengeful trait from me. They are soft and naive like my husband. Let mommy drown alone in this vendetta.